


With the Sun in your hands

by RoseGoldLaurels



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Autistic Character Written By Autistic Author, Autistic Mafuyu, Dates, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, past satou mafuyu/yoshida yuuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26953219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseGoldLaurels/pseuds/RoseGoldLaurels
Summary: The first time Mafuyu came in contact with snow, he was exposed, skin untouched by cold tenderness. He awaited cruelty; snow is harsh, it makes winter ruthless, it shows no mercy, but unlike what he was expecting, its touch was soothing, soft, comforting.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka, Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki
Comments: 14
Kudos: 68





	With the Sun in your hands

Winter had a reputation; its cold seeped into your bones, snow burnt your skin until nothing but frostbitten flesh was left. 

Mafuyu, a winter baby, grew up in a house on fire. There was no moment the flares wouldn't lick his skin, leaving angry welts on its wake. His mother, a wilting flower under the extreme heat, did all she could to shield him from the flame but he was inevitably burnt by it eventually.

The first time he came in contact with snow, he was exposed, skin untouched by cold tenderness. He awaited cruelty; snow is harsh, it makes winter ruthless, it shows no mercy, but unlike what he was expecting, its touch was soothing, soft, comforting.

Yuki arrived in his life like a blizzard. He turned his world upside down at first, very much like a first friend does, and then when his world indeed started collapsing on itself, he was the cooling snowflakes that graced his skin with kindness after the flames had hurt him, he held his hand steady as the hot air of the fire threatened to suffocate him. 

"Mafuyu, as long as I'm here, no one is going to hurt you again." There was no way a child could be sure of that, but Mafuyu let the comforting words wash over him. He gripped Yuki's hand tighter, and at that moment, his promise appeared to him like words carved in stone, a magical contract never to be broken.

Mafuyu woke up to one of the earliest memories he had of Yuki. They were sitting down under the same tree where Yuki first found Mafuyu, their fingers intertwined. Yuki had dropped those words as Mafuyu watched him poke some bugs with a stick. 

He smiled wistfully at the memory of the long broken promise, after all, death overwrites all contracts. He wondered if eight-year-old Yuki would have made the same vow had he known Mafuyu was destined to be the one to hurt him. Mafuyu closed his eyes momentarily; he could go back to sleep for a little while longer, he could bask in the early memories of Yuki, that ached so profoundly, or he could wake up to feed Kedama.

He ended up getting up; he had a dog to take care of and a flat to tidy up before his boyfriend came over to hang out during their rest day. He let a small smile grace his lips. His boyfriend Uenoyama would be coming over, maybe they could cuddle, that sure would fluster him, He loved to know he had that effect on his darling. He felt fortunate to be so thoroughly adored by such a radiant soul, a heart he had to treat with care to treasure it the way Uenoyama deserved. 

By midday, he had nothing to do but to regularly check his phone, waiting for the text that would let him know his boyfriend was right outside his door. After 10 minutes of sitting on the floor with Kedama on his lap, impatiently running his hands through his dog's soft fur, he picked up his phone to text his boyfriend. 

**_M: Where are you?_ **

**_U: omw, sorry, I had to outrun a cat._ **

**_M: So do you want McDonald's?_ **

**_U: I'll love whatever you get me._ **

**_U: ...Sorry, that was weird._ **

**_M: McDonald's it is <3 Hurry! _**

**_U: ok!_ **

**** **_U: <3 _ **

He beamed at his screen. His heart was beating fast; he felt impatient in the most thrilling way, anticipation to spend time with someone he loved built up in his chest, overwhelmingly warm and gentle, and so he yelled as a response to his intense emotions. 

"Mafuyu! are you okay?" his mom came into his room with quick steps and a worry written all over her face. 

"Sorry I was just excited." He could see her face relax, and she gifted him a blinding smile. It had been a while since he yelled because he couldn't handle his happiness or yelled at all. Ever since Yuki's death, Mafuyu's emotions have been muted, dulled and grey. Uenoyama brought back some of that intensity to his feelings; they were just too much sometimes. 

"Oh, that's great! Uenoyama is coming over, right? Do you have enough money to order food? Do you want some more? I could lend you some, I worked a couple of extra hours the other day, or you can cook if you wish to, I've heard that's romantic, or you could go-" 

"Mom, it's okay, we are just going to order in and watch some movies, maybe walk Kedama again." His mom had sped up through all the possibilities, and Mafuyu knew she just wanted him to have a good time.

"Oh perfect, I'll be leaving for work in a couple of minutes, text me if you need anything." 

"Okay, mom, good luck." 

With that, his mom left, shutting the door behind her. Not even a minute had passed when he heard a knock on his door. He got out of his room to open it, expecting it to be his mom having forgotten something like she usually does. What he didn't expect was to see a red-faced Uenoyama at his door. 

"Oh... hi, Uenoyama."

"You didn't tell me your mom was going to be coming out right as I was arriving."

"She wasn't. You are late."

"That means she was going to be here when I got here with just store-bought chips and a hoodie, that's not better!"

"Are you going to stay there or are you coming in?" Mafuyu smiled softly at his embarrassed boyfriend, he knew Uenoyama was hell-bent on doing the most to ensure his mom liked his new boyfriend. Funnily enough, Yuki had been just the same, even though his mom had known him for more than half his life, he still insisted on being nothing short of a gentleman whenever she was close. Mafuyu used to tell him there was no point since she had already seen him sick and covered in vomit from eating dirt that one time when he was 8. 

Ah... these were all things he wouldn't get to experience again. Mafuyu didn't even remember when was the last time he'd made fun of Yuki for that. 

His melancholy must have shown on his face because Uenoyama had that weird look in his eyes, he looked disoriented, and Mafuyu hated himself for putting that expression on his face. 

"Yeah, I'm coming in, if I spend one more minute in this wind, I'm going to catch a cold." He quickly stepped aside to let Uenoyama in and closed the door behind him. 

"So... do you want to get settled?" You know where the sofa is." He took the bag from Uenoyama's hands. "Oh, I forgot to order the food, can you do that? I'm going to put these in a bowl. 

"Okay....cheeseburger with extra cheese, lettuce and no pickles, right?" 

He walked back into the living room, where Uenoyama was now fiddling with his phone while sitting on the sofa, he took the bowl of chips in his hands as he dropped next to his boyfriend and kissed his cheek "You know me best."

"O-OKAY BURGERS ORDERED!" Mafuyu found Uenoyama's reactions too adorable to handle. He wanted to draw them all out, get to know this beautiful boy sitting next to him even further, see the look on his face as he kissed his nose or brought him home-made lunch to band practice, he wanted his expressions when he took his hand and kissed his knuckles, he wanted them all. 

"Which movie are we watching?" he said as he picked up the remote.

"Ah! I asked Haruki for recommendations!" Uenoyama clasped his hands in determination only to whisper the words he said next, "I guess...we could do romance if you want."

"Mmmm," he nodded slightly, "Romance sounds good."

"Good! Haruki told me about this..." Mafuyu found himself zoning out while Uenoyama selected the movie, he had no words to express how cherished he felt, Uenoyama was trying so hard to be a good boyfriend because he cared about Mafuyu. It made his chest feel tight and warm in a way it hadn't felt for a long while, for a moment guilt gripped his heart with freezing hands, reminding him of the lost love he was so eagerly letting go. No. Yuki wouldn't want this. Or would he? He couldn't want anything anymore. He was dead. **_Dead_ **. 

"... and it's light-hearted according to him, do you want to watch it?" guilt squeezed his heart tighter, here he had a wonderful boy right next to him, and he couldn't give him the undivided attention he deserved, too busy mourning to be who Uenoyama needed him to be. 

"Maf-"

"Yes, let's watch it." He knew Uenoyama had noticed, he always did. His eyes got this lost look that stabbed and twisted the knife deep in Mafuyu's soul every time he saw it. He knew he was responsible for it, but Uenoyama wouldn't tear his gaze away, he wouldn't run from it. He would look at Mafuyu and leave him feeling known, open and vulnerable. 

He decided to cuddle up to Uenoyama to quiet his mind and stabilise his emotions. He ignored his boyfriend's squeak and placed his head below Uenoyama's chin and hugged his middle, the fabric of his hoodie was soft and brought him comfort, "Mmm, you are warm."

There was a knock on the door that made Uenoyama jolt away from the couch and upright, "IT MUST BE THE FOOD! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" 

Mafuyu pouted to himself, his relationship with Uenoyama was riddled with awkwardness and uncertainty, but Uenoyama was worth it, this novelty was new for him as well. His previous relationship was entirely different. He and Yuki had known each other their whole life, and falling in love had been seamless. Mafuyu couldn't pinpoint the exact moment a romantic layer had been added to his love for Yuki. They just fitted together like puzzle pieces. 

During the first days of his relationship with Yuki, Mafuyu would be hesitant to kiss him or hold his hand. Yuki would respect his boundaries and not push. They already knew each other like the back of their palms. He remembers the first time Yuki kissed him; he had squeaked similarly to Uenoyama even after being asked for permission, and his ex-boyfriend had thrown his head back and let out a soft laugh.

He remembers it all, the clothes they were wearing, the look in Yuki's face, the way his lips felt against his, and his... _laugh_. 

His laugh.... he couldn't remember his laugh. He had a vague idea of the ring of it, but he couldn't replay it in his mind.

_He had forgotten his laugh! How dare he forget it? How dare he not think about Yuki enough to remember it still? How dare he forget the sound of his best friend, his lover, his life, laughing? NO! He couldn't be forgetting Yuki. This couldn't be happening. He promised himself he wouldn't forget him, not a single thing._

**_He forgot his laugh, he forgot, he forgot, he forgot, he forg-_ **

"Mafuyu!" Uenoyama's voice was nothing but noise as his mind clogged up. _How could he? How could he forget and live on to find new loves when Yuki's first and last would always be Mafuyu? How dare he forget when Yuki's death was his fault? How dare he find comfort in another when Yuki would never feel anything anymore. How dare he forget what he could never hear ever again? What could he do? He couldn't bring the memory back. He couldn't bring Yuki back, ask him to laugh one last time for him. What could Mafuyu do against the all-powerful passing of time? Time was always accompanied by oblivion, and against them, he was powerless._

In the background of his mind, he could register Uenoyama shutting the windows, turning off the lights, the television. Everything was too much, and he was left unresponsive. Uenoyama sat on the couch far away from him, far enough to not overwhelm Mafuyu.

As he slowly came back, he noticed more details in his surroundings. The forgotten food on the table, the bowl of chips turned over on the floor; surprisingly, there was no mess, Uenoyama must have cleaned that up, and Kedama was in being held by his boyfriend; otherwise, he'd be all over Mafuyu.

"Uenoyama..." he whispered. He had no idea how much time had passed. 

"Mafuyu... are you here with me?" he asked. 

"Yes"

"Do you want to talk or do you want a distraction...."

"Please just hold me."

Uenoyama approached him and softly rearranged him into the position he was in before Uenoyama left to get the food. He tightened his arms around Mafuyu's waist as well and kissed the top of his head.

"Whatever you are thinking... you are wrong." He heard Uenoyama say.

"I forgot his laugh." With that, his boyfriend's breath hitched, "I'm sorry, you don't deserve this... having me shut down on you because of Yuki." Uenoyama just hugged him tighter.

"Hey, hey... it's okay. It's true I don't know what to do when you get that look on your face because of him, but I want to here with you."

"But-"

"I don't know what to do with these feelings Mafuyu, all I know is I want to make you happy, all of you, with the parts of you I can't understand. 

"I don't want to forget him."

"I'm never going to ask that from you."

"But you deserve-"

"What about what I want? I want to be with you and to make sense of these feelings. I want to help you, even if I don't know how to. I want to be by your side."

"You don't understand. This is never going to stop! I'm going to start forgetting more of him, and I don't want to! I can't expect you to wait on me like that!" He felt tears spill from his eyes. 

"I'm here because I want to, and I've wanted it long before I accepted your confession." Uenoyama refused to let go of him, and Mafuyu felt the sudden need to kiss him, and so he did. He looked up to his boyfriend and leaned in, giving him a soft kiss.

"... You make me feel happy, you make me feel loved, tell me why I wouldn't want to be with you." A blushing Uenoyama managed to get out, and Mafuyu felt warmness spread across his chest. He was happy he managed to give Uenoyama back the love that was so selflessly given to him and not just take it. 

"Even if I never forget him?"

"I'm not expecting that."

"I love you." And he meant it, with all his insecurities and his baggage, he would allow himself to love Uenoyama and be loved by him, and he would choose to be with him and continue to do so every day. 

Now it was time for Uenoyama to hide his face in Mafuyu's hair, "I- I love you too."

They stayed quiet for a few moments, letting time pass while they held each other tightly. 

After a while, Mafuyu took the remote and turned on the TV, "Mmm, we are watching a romantic movie, huh?"

"Yes, Haruki said it was a good movie," Uenoyama said while still hiding his face, stealing a moment to kiss Mafuyu's temple one more time before getting up to get their food. 

At that moment, Mafuyu knew, he might not remember the exact shape of the snowflakes that used to soothe his wounds and tend to the welts on his skin. Still, he would never forget the cold gentleness of snow on his burning flesh, not even as the warm sun rays graced his face, but it was time for him to welcome the tenderness of heat that didn't consume or burn. 

It was time for winter to welcome summer. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading! This is a fic I poured a lot of effort in. I would love to hear your thoughts on it! If you loved it and want to check out more about writing and my interests, you can follow me at @autistic-shouto on Tumblr! Come say hello!


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